[No matter how she had lied to herself (and many others), claiming that Liem's betrayal had been a crime against Meridian, against the force she had chosen to pledge herself to in desperate attempt to get back to her world... It had always been personal. It had been the first and only person in Horos she felt had believed in her... not believing in her anymore. The person she had made her moral arbitrator apparently deciding that Meridian was not the right path, that her path wasn't the right path, that the path they had decided to walk together after the incident with Manon... wasn't the right path. It had been someone that... even though she had never used the word... someone she thought might be something like her friend turning her back on her.
She had dedicated so much of her time in Horos trying to purge Kenoma out of Liem Talbott, convinced after they met the way they did and he had guided her to the light... That he belonged in the light, too. This time... This time they were supposed to be in the light together, and if she had to kill him to bring him back to it... It just hadn't worked. Not how she'd wanted it to, with him awakening at the Tree just... back. She'd had to become the biggest hypocrite in Kenos to do it, finally breaking down after weeks of pretending she was fine with letting Zenith have the traitor to demand (beg) he tell her what had to happen to make him come back. And she feels... compromised, knowing she would do it again.
She feels compromised that Claude lays back down beside her. That he touches her cheek and she doesn't push him away and insist that she doesn't need or want comfort. It is still hard for her to accept being told she deserved things that were good. She doesn't know if she'll ever believe it. Even if Liem said it, if Set said it, if Claude said it... Even Matsukaze had said it, but.
Hayame stares at him from up close. She can't answer at first, and the silence stretches onward. The hair he had brushed the night before is slightly tousled from sleep. Claude's eyes are so green. Like fresh maple leaves in spring. Or moss after the rain.]
I am taking it.
[Even though it is too much for her. Even though she doesn't know how to own a house, to keep a house, to be... someone with a house. She doesn't want to think of this place as "home". She doesn't want him to tell her she's wrong, so she doesn't tell him she doesn't deserve it. Her fingers are curling in the sheets in the space between them, wanting to-]
... Are you still tired?
[He laid back down. But she asks even though she knows he isn't.]
no subject
She had dedicated so much of her time in Horos trying to purge Kenoma out of Liem Talbott, convinced after they met the way they did and he had guided her to the light... That he belonged in the light, too. This time... This time they were supposed to be in the light together, and if she had to kill him to bring him back to it... It just hadn't worked. Not how she'd wanted it to, with him awakening at the Tree just... back. She'd had to become the biggest hypocrite in Kenos to do it, finally breaking down after weeks of pretending she was fine with letting Zenith have the traitor to demand (beg) he tell her what had to happen to make him come back. And she feels... compromised, knowing she would do it again.
She feels compromised that Claude lays back down beside her. That he touches her cheek and she doesn't push him away and insist that she doesn't need or want comfort. It is still hard for her to accept being told she deserved things that were good. She doesn't know if she'll ever believe it. Even if Liem said it, if Set said it, if Claude said it... Even Matsukaze had said it, but.
Hayame stares at him from up close. She can't answer at first, and the silence stretches onward. The hair he had brushed the night before is slightly tousled from sleep. Claude's eyes are so green. Like fresh maple leaves in spring. Or moss after the rain.]
I am taking it.
[Even though it is too much for her. Even though she doesn't know how to own a house, to keep a house, to be... someone with a house. She doesn't want to think of this place as "home". She doesn't want him to tell her she's wrong, so she doesn't tell him she doesn't deserve it. Her fingers are curling in the sheets in the space between them, wanting to-]
... Are you still tired?
[He laid back down. But she asks even though she knows he isn't.]