No, I mentioned it in passing and she was stunned at the information, which I found confusing. You said you'd been in the Officer's Academy when you were taken to Horos. You were still a noble then... in Fódlan at least.
[For some reason, it just stuck out at Byleth the more he thought about it. It seemed like such a... specific thing to never bring up with someone he had known for 'a while' between two different worlds. It almost felt a little like a lie - one by omission but a lie nevertheless.]
You never thought to mention it to her? Not even once?
[He didn't think she'd care, is what he wants to say, but he's not giving her enough credit. They had become close allies, close enough that he would trust her with his Shard, but he still stumbled on all the things he'd kept close to his chest for so long.
Not any more, not for her, though it might be too late now.]
...I thought she might pour scorn on me if I mentioned it. I'm tired of people judging me for what I am instead of who I am.
I just want those from other worlds to treat me as myself, that's all.
[He always knows that. Hiding what he can now to make gains while he can, and then if he's discovered later, he will have gotten what he wanted from the transaction and moved on anyway...
At least, that's how he used to look at things. But he's not that fearful boy who first met Hayame in that cave, and he no longer sees people in checks and balances. Keeping secrets became a matter of convenience as much as habit, when he came to Kenos.]
I should have been more honest. I trust her with my life, you know? So hiding anything seems ridiculous in hindsight... It was wrong to keep things from her for so long.
[Even now he's being a hypocrite, though. All those same things could be said about Byleth.]
It was wrong of you. You said it yourself, you trust her with your life. She was your ally. Why did she have to hear the truth from me, a near stranger? Do you understand how disrespectful that is to her?
[Ah, Claude, you're being scolded. Byleth's disapproval is heavy through the Communion, but it eased up after a moment as he started on his middle finger.]
But... I think you get the point. Perhaps in time she'll forgive you for the deception. Have you tried to apologise to her yet?
[The scolding is like kicking a deflated balloon -- there's not much resistance left, so he just kind of mentally flops over and accepts the scolding. He knows that he messed up. He knows that Hayame is right to be angry. Even now, though, he's not telling Byleth the full truth.
Maybe... he should say as much, and avoid repeating the same mistakes before they happen again.]
Byleth, it's not just that she's angry at me for deceiving her. It's more complicated than that.
[Byleth refused to feel bad about the scolding. He's endured a few blistering scoldings from Jeralt in his lifetime, and as awful and dejected as it made you feel... it was necessary to correct a behaviour that needed correction.
If anything, it was Byleth's fault for not bringing attention to this the moment he identified it. But his own cowardice had held him back. In the Root Chamber, he had brooded over how even then, he found himself paralysed on challenging Claude in case it made this taste of friendship evaporate into nothing. Time to ruminate on it had him cringing in embarrassment.
Byleth had to do better as well.]
Oh? I assumed she confronted you and was angered when you confirmed the truth. Did something else happen?
[Claude's long since given up on getting ready to fly, so he sinks down onto the grass to sit, his wyvern laying down with him, perhaps sensing the change in her master's temperament even if she isn't privy to the communion. The companionship, at least, encourages him to keep going, so he gives Naira a pat on her scaled flank before he settles back against her and continues.]
Well... I went to Hayame at the roots, to check on how she was doing. I wanted to let her know that she wasn't alone, whatever happened to the Tree, even if... even if it was the end.
She didn't believe my intentions, of course, so she demanded my Shard to determine if I was telling the truth. I gave her it, and told her about how I felt, and about how much I respected and admired her, and that I wanted us to be friends. In response, she just kind of...
[Is this too much? He wonders if he should respect Hayame's privacy at this point, so he veers away from the detail about how she had broke down sobbing, had clung to him and sobbed her hearts out. How she had confessed to killing Liem for his betrayal. Still, Byleth will feel a powerful current of deep sadness that Claude had felt from Hayame, amplified by their circumstances back then, as if the emotion had been Claude's own.
In a way, it was, if only because it grieved him to see her suffering, that she had seemingly gone her entire life like this, and so even one small gesture of kindness was enough to shatter her completely. Thinking back on it, it was almost more than he could handle, too.]
...She's really suffered a lot. She's still suffering. I thought I could be someone who could ease her pain, even a little, but I think I just made things worse.
...I don't think you made it worse, as such. I think you overwhelmed her.
[Byleth recalled the understanding he and Hayame had shared, unspoken but felt through the Communion. She was much like him: brittle when it came to matters of the heart, seemingly frozen solid but ready to crumble at the gentlest touch. You could only forge forwards while leaving your emotions by the wayside, fleeing from them without looking back - to have them shoved into your face, with no escape, heart reeling from unexpected revelations...
If he'd been in Hayame's hooves, he might've just emotionally imploded on the spot.]
And... if she'd only just learned you were a noble, and that you'd withheld that information from her, but then suddenly began pouring your heart out to her and telling her how much she meant to you while she held your Shard... that's just confusing, Claude. I'd be confused. I'd have to rationalise it as you... you being mistaken, or driven to desperation by our bleak circumstances.
[It was the only way he could put it into words. No wonder Hayame had imitated a statue when he had brought up Claude. Likely she was still working through the tangled mess Claude's attempt at a heart-to-heart had wrought on her. He sort of sympathised with the feeling. Set had left him reeling several times in a way that made it feel like that man had somehow managed to punch his liver without even touching him.]
But... It's not like it came out of nowhere. I've helped her in the past, more than once, including when her life was in danger. I told her a lot about myself, even if it wasn't everything, and she held my Shard before, too.
Did she really just think I was doing it all as an ally, nothing more? That I didn't really care...?
[Even as he asks, it's more like a rhetorical question. He can already guess the answer.]
I accept that I made mistakes. If she doesn't talk to me ever again, I'll have to accept that, too. I want the best for her, and if I'm not the right person for her... that's the end of it.
[The right person for her...? Byleth felt a brief flutter of confusion at that specific wording, but didn't pursue it. He was already amazed that Claude had willingly told him all of this without brushing him off or changing the subject to something utterly unrelated. He did wonder at the change, but he just finished off his middle finger and moved onto his ring finger.]
I'm sorry that you may've potentially lost a friend, Claude. I hope you two are able to reconcile in the future, but that decision lies solely with Hayame. I'll ensure she remains in good health as she works things through.
[Since they've managed to build an okayish rapport??? They weren't friends, but he had bumped her up from 'obligatory ally' to 'ally', which was a big leap in his mind.]
Do you... want me to pass a message along? If she's not speaking to you currently, you likely haven't apologised or reached out to her, yes?
No... I tried to reach out to her. I know she saw my message, but she never responded, so I'm leaving her be. It's what she wants.
[Should he pass another message along? He considers it, but it feels far too soon, and it would risk Byleth getting caught even more in the middle of something he doesn't deserve to be pulled into. There's a mental equivalent of a headshake.]
As long as she's not in any immediate danger, that's all I need to know.
[Did Hayame even know how to read? She came across as your typical mercenary, except one that had drank the Faerghan juice. Finding one that could read competently was rare.]
Yeah, a written one. I don't think she likes regular Communion much. What about it?
[Even among commoners, literacy was becoming more common, as many of his classmates at the Officer's Academy proved. It simply hasn't occured to him that Hayame might not have such privileges.]
No. I'm assuming she's illiterate because she's like me.
[A warrior of roughly the same time period (she didn't seem so alien like other Shard-Bearers), and whom didn't seem the type to have gone to an Officer's Academy. In fact, considering what he felt when he told her of the Nabateans...]
Jeralt only taught me the very basics of reading, and the rest I taught myself. Most mercenaries only know the letters to spell their name, or to understand cardinals and numbers. It's thought unusual to find a fully literate mercenary. Normally they're disgraced knights or some such.
[And maybe he is just acting like an ignorant noble. His hunch might be wrong, but he also shouldn't assume, knowing what he does about Hayame's life.]
I'll reach out to her again. It's the least I can do, given everything.
It may be best just to clarify, at the very least. Better to know that she's ignoring you intentionally and not because she's too prideful to ask what your message says.
[Most mercenaries were pretty blasé about being illiterate, but no one would willingly admit a weakness - Hayame seemed like that type, anyways. But, Byleth felt like the point had been made, and whatever happened from this point on depended on Claude and Hayame. He hoped they settled their differences, but at the same time, he knew people were fickle with their hearts, and lifelong friendships could be broken over what appeared to be the smallest of slights from the outside.]
I hope this conversation helped. In truth, I'd wanted to bring this up for a while- ah, not your relationship with Hayame, but your habit of deflecting and hiding things. You already know so much about me from your Byleth... but I'm realising I know so little about you.
[Byleth can practically feel the internal wince over the Communion. He knows Byleth isn't stupid, knows that he must have noticed, but Claude typically gets by on confrontation about his behaviour with... more deflection and obfuscation. At that point, most people give up.
But he won't do that to Byleth. Not after he'd just given him some solid advice, and not after Claude himself had acknowledged that hiding so much for so long was wrong. So he grits his teeth, and quashes down his discomfort.]
[Byleth's surprise was probably clear as day through the Communion before it was swiftly squashed. He'd expected Claude to maybe make a comment and close off the topic - just because his shortcoming had been pointed out didn't mean he'd instantly try to overcome it - so he found himself a bit put on the spot since he didn't actually have a question prepared or anything.]
Well...
[In his sudden groping for a question, he remembered... when he'd first arrived here Claude had mistaken him for his Byleth, showing him his Sunbeam and saying that he could see everyone was doing fine in Fódlan and Almyra. He hadn't questioned it at the time, too bewildered about his circumstances as he was, and it had mostly slipped his mind since then. He had assumed Claude wouldn't elaborate anyways, even if he did ask.
However.
Byleth had met a few Almyrans - as enemies or mercenaries hiding their Almyran heritage - thanks to House Goneril padding holes in their ranks with mercenaries whenever the Almyrans got a bit too ornery. Jeralt considered such jobs relatively easy and a good payout for "little to no work". Despite that, Byleth harboured no malicious or negative feelings about the Almyrans: they were good fighters and had interesting tactics, far more wily than the more rigid minded Fódlans, and fairly distinctive with their dark skin and... hair...
[There's a long pause, as Claude tries to get the measure of the question, detect any trace of hostility or any other intent behind it. This was why it was easier to just avoid the subject; it got his hackles up, and he had no way of predicting if this Byleth's opinion of Almyra lined up with his own world's.
But dodging the question would be like answering the question, just in another way. So, he relents.]
Yeah, I am.
[A loaded pause, then as if to silently ask: what's it to you? before he continues.]
[Byleth exhibited no surprise at the answer, instead giving off the impression of nodding absently (in actuality he was blowing at his nails, having finally finished one hand).]
I see. Thought so.
[Now onto his other hand.]
When I first arrived here, you mentioned Almyra to me when you thought I was 'Teach'. I thought it odd at first, but after a while it made sense. Were you born there? What's it like? I admit, the most I've seen of Almyra is what you can see from Fódlan's Throat, which is just... rocky mountains.
[The barrage of questions takes him aback... but then, slowly, is followed by a ripple of relieved amusement. One question at a time, buddy.]
If you keep going through Fódlan's Throat, the view's pretty breathtaking, actually. I can show you.
[And he does. Directly from his memories, from the back of his white wyvern, her scales gleaming in the sun, now a blazing orb low on the horizon but slowly rising from the east. Flying low, endless prairie spreads out before them, golden grass dancing in the wind. Soon, the mountains bordering Fódlan are left behind until there seems to be nothing out here but sky and flat land, nothing but the sound of wingbeats and the breeze.
Then the memory jumps head to harsh desert, the likes of which Fódlan could only see in the Sreng region, but here made up of towering and sloping dunes. The sun is higher in the sky by now, which is a brilliant, cloudless blue. This desert, like the immense prairie, seems to stretch on forever, like they could fly for hours and never meet another soul save the occasional bird wheeling in the sky.
They stop at an oasis to rest and get some shade under the fronds of palm trees. When they set off again, the destination becomes clear, heading towards the huge yellow stone walls, gleaming domes and towering minarets of the capital. For all that he has mixed feelings about Almyra over the years, there's clear affection and yearning for those memories-- for a home Claude lost and regained, only to lose again.
He pulls gently away from the past, and back to the conversation.]
So... That's Almyra. Some of it, anyway. I was born there, and I spent most of my life there, until a year before I enrolled at the Officer's Academy.
[The memory Claude showed him was unlike anything he'd seen in Fódlan, and he had traversed almost every inch of that continent - up to and including the decimated Duscar, which had only recently began to rebuild since Faerghus had all but razed it. He quickly memorised it, and tucked it away in his vast mental library of memorable sights to refer to on dreary days.]
It's a beautiful land, Claude. I can see why you would miss it.
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leicesters) wrote2022-12-06 08:26 pm
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[For some reason, it just stuck out at Byleth the more he thought about it. It seemed like such a... specific thing to never bring up with someone he had known for 'a while' between two different worlds. It almost felt a little like a lie - one by omission but a lie nevertheless.]
You never thought to mention it to her? Not even once?
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[He didn't think she'd care, is what he wants to say, but he's not giving her enough credit. They had become close allies, close enough that he would trust her with his Shard, but he still stumbled on all the things he'd kept close to his chest for so long.
Not any more, not for her, though it might be too late now.]
...I thought she might pour scorn on me if I mentioned it. I'm tired of people judging me for what I am instead of who I am.
I just want those from other worlds to treat me as myself, that's all.
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[Byleth finished filing his index claw back into a fingernail and rubbed the pad of his thumb over the blunted edge.]
I understand, but... you realise that this might've damaged the trust she had in you. If you- [lied] -hid that from her, what else are you hiding?
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[He always knows that. Hiding what he can now to make gains while he can, and then if he's discovered later, he will have gotten what he wanted from the transaction and moved on anyway...
At least, that's how he used to look at things. But he's not that fearful boy who first met Hayame in that cave, and he no longer sees people in checks and balances. Keeping secrets became a matter of convenience as much as habit, when he came to Kenos.]
I should have been more honest. I trust her with my life, you know? So hiding anything seems ridiculous in hindsight... It was wrong to keep things from her for so long.
[Even now he's being a hypocrite, though. All those same things could be said about Byleth.]
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[Ah, Claude, you're being scolded. Byleth's disapproval is heavy through the Communion, but it eased up after a moment as he started on his middle finger.]
But... I think you get the point. Perhaps in time she'll forgive you for the deception. Have you tried to apologise to her yet?
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Maybe... he should say as much, and avoid repeating the same mistakes before they happen again.]
Byleth, it's not just that she's angry at me for deceiving her. It's more complicated than that.
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If anything, it was Byleth's fault for not bringing attention to this the moment he identified it. But his own cowardice had held him back. In the Root Chamber, he had brooded over how even then, he found himself paralysed on challenging Claude in case it made this taste of friendship evaporate into nothing. Time to ruminate on it had him cringing in embarrassment.
Byleth had to do better as well.]
Oh? I assumed she confronted you and was angered when you confirmed the truth. Did something else happen?
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Well... I went to Hayame at the roots, to check on how she was doing. I wanted to let her know that she wasn't alone, whatever happened to the Tree, even if... even if it was the end.
She didn't believe my intentions, of course, so she demanded my Shard to determine if I was telling the truth. I gave her it, and told her about how I felt, and about how much I respected and admired her, and that I wanted us to be friends. In response, she just kind of...
[Is this too much? He wonders if he should respect Hayame's privacy at this point, so he veers away from the detail about how she had broke down sobbing, had clung to him and sobbed her hearts out. How she had confessed to killing Liem for his betrayal. Still, Byleth will feel a powerful current of deep sadness that Claude had felt from Hayame, amplified by their circumstances back then, as if the emotion had been Claude's own.
In a way, it was, if only because it grieved him to see her suffering, that she had seemingly gone her entire life like this, and so even one small gesture of kindness was enough to shatter her completely. Thinking back on it, it was almost more than he could handle, too.]
...She's really suffered a lot. She's still suffering. I thought I could be someone who could ease her pain, even a little, but I think I just made things worse.
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[Byleth recalled the understanding he and Hayame had shared, unspoken but felt through the Communion. She was much like him: brittle when it came to matters of the heart, seemingly frozen solid but ready to crumble at the gentlest touch. You could only forge forwards while leaving your emotions by the wayside, fleeing from them without looking back - to have them shoved into your face, with no escape, heart reeling from unexpected revelations...
If he'd been in Hayame's hooves, he might've just emotionally imploded on the spot.]
And... if she'd only just learned you were a noble, and that you'd withheld that information from her, but then suddenly began pouring your heart out to her and telling her how much she meant to you while she held your Shard... that's just confusing, Claude. I'd be confused. I'd have to rationalise it as you... you being mistaken, or driven to desperation by our bleak circumstances.
[It was the only way he could put it into words. No wonder Hayame had imitated a statue when he had brought up Claude. Likely she was still working through the tangled mess Claude's attempt at a heart-to-heart had wrought on her. He sort of sympathised with the feeling. Set had left him reeling several times in a way that made it feel like that man had somehow managed to punch his liver without even touching him.]
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Did she really just think I was doing it all as an ally, nothing more? That I didn't really care...?
[Even as he asks, it's more like a rhetorical question. He can already guess the answer.]
I accept that I made mistakes. If she doesn't talk to me ever again, I'll have to accept that, too. I want the best for her, and if I'm not the right person for her... that's the end of it.
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I'm sorry that you may've potentially lost a friend, Claude. I hope you two are able to reconcile in the future, but that decision lies solely with Hayame. I'll ensure she remains in good health as she works things through.
[Since they've managed to build an okayish rapport??? They weren't friends, but he had bumped her up from 'obligatory ally' to 'ally', which was a big leap in his mind.]
Do you... want me to pass a message along? If she's not speaking to you currently, you likely haven't apologised or reached out to her, yes?
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[Should he pass another message along? He considers it, but it feels far too soon, and it would risk Byleth getting caught even more in the middle of something he doesn't deserve to be pulled into. There's a mental equivalent of a headshake.]
As long as she's not in any immediate danger, that's all I need to know.
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[Did Hayame even know how to read? She came across as your typical mercenary, except one that had drank the Faerghan juice. Finding one that could read competently was rare.]
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[Even among commoners, literacy was becoming more common, as many of his classmates at the Officer's Academy proved. It simply hasn't occured to him that Hayame might not have such privileges.]
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[but she did literally live in a stable, so... hm]
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[A warrior of roughly the same time period (she didn't seem so alien like other Shard-Bearers), and whom didn't seem the type to have gone to an Officer's Academy. In fact, considering what he felt when he told her of the Nabateans...]
Jeralt only taught me the very basics of reading, and the rest I taught myself. Most mercenaries only know the letters to spell their name, or to understand cardinals and numbers. It's thought unusual to find a fully literate mercenary. Normally they're disgraced knights or some such.
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[And maybe he is just acting like an ignorant noble. His hunch might be wrong, but he also shouldn't assume, knowing what he does about Hayame's life.]
I'll reach out to her again. It's the least I can do, given everything.
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[Most mercenaries were pretty blasé about being illiterate, but no one would willingly admit a weakness - Hayame seemed like that type, anyways. But, Byleth felt like the point had been made, and whatever happened from this point on depended on Claude and Hayame. He hoped they settled their differences, but at the same time, he knew people were fickle with their hearts, and lifelong friendships could be broken over what appeared to be the smallest of slights from the outside.]
I hope this conversation helped. In truth, I'd wanted to bring this up for a while- ah, not your relationship with Hayame, but your habit of deflecting and hiding things. You already know so much about me from your Byleth... but I'm realising I know so little about you.
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But he won't do that to Byleth. Not after he'd just given him some solid advice, and not after Claude himself had acknowledged that hiding so much for so long was wrong. So he grits his teeth, and quashes down his discomfort.]
All right, then. What do you want to know?
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Well...
[In his sudden groping for a question, he remembered... when he'd first arrived here Claude had mistaken him for his Byleth, showing him his Sunbeam and saying that he could see everyone was doing fine in Fódlan and Almyra. He hadn't questioned it at the time, too bewildered about his circumstances as he was, and it had mostly slipped his mind since then. He had assumed Claude wouldn't elaborate anyways, even if he did ask.
However.
Byleth had met a few Almyrans - as enemies or mercenaries hiding their Almyran heritage - thanks to House Goneril padding holes in their ranks with mercenaries whenever the Almyrans got a bit too ornery. Jeralt considered such jobs relatively easy and a good payout for "little to no work". Despite that, Byleth harboured no malicious or negative feelings about the Almyrans: they were good fighters and had interesting tactics, far more wily than the more rigid minded Fódlans, and fairly distinctive with their dark skin and... hair...
...oh.]
Are you Almyran?
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But dodging the question would be like answering the question, just in another way. So, he relents.]
Yeah, I am.
[A loaded pause, then as if to silently ask: what's it to you? before he continues.]
My mother's from Fódlan, and my father's Almyran.
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I see. Thought so.
[Now onto his other hand.]
When I first arrived here, you mentioned Almyra to me when you thought I was 'Teach'. I thought it odd at first, but after a while it made sense. Were you born there? What's it like? I admit, the most I've seen of Almyra is what you can see from Fódlan's Throat, which is just... rocky mountains.
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If you keep going through Fódlan's Throat, the view's pretty breathtaking, actually. I can show you.
[And he does. Directly from his memories, from the back of his white wyvern, her scales gleaming in the sun, now a blazing orb low on the horizon but slowly rising from the east. Flying low, endless prairie spreads out before them, golden grass dancing in the wind. Soon, the mountains bordering Fódlan are left behind until there seems to be nothing out here but sky and flat land, nothing but the sound of wingbeats and the breeze.
Then the memory jumps head to harsh desert, the likes of which Fódlan could only see in the Sreng region, but here made up of towering and sloping dunes. The sun is higher in the sky by now, which is a brilliant, cloudless blue. This desert, like the immense prairie, seems to stretch on forever, like they could fly for hours and never meet another soul save the occasional bird wheeling in the sky.
They stop at an oasis to rest and get some shade under the fronds of palm trees. When they set off again, the destination becomes clear, heading towards the huge yellow stone walls, gleaming domes and towering minarets of the capital. For all that he has mixed feelings about Almyra over the years, there's clear affection and yearning for those memories-- for a home Claude lost and regained, only to lose again.
He pulls gently away from the past, and back to the conversation.]
So... That's Almyra. Some of it, anyway. I was born there, and I spent most of my life there, until a year before I enrolled at the Officer's Academy.
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It's a beautiful land, Claude. I can see why you would miss it.
[...]
...did 'Teach' know this about you?
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