[A part of him thought, it's not really my business, but on the other hand, Claude had promised to talk to him later, and it was now 'later'. So, emboldened by this bit of internal logic, Byleth gently prodded Claude via Communion after returning to his home in Springstar, pottering about his home and doing some chores as he did so.]
[Claude's feeling a little wiped after all these big group Communions, and while they're largely things he's used to, the fact that they're mental conversations rather than in-person always seems to be more draining. So he's decided to head out for some respite to take his wyvern on her daily exercises, but he doesn't turn Byleth away when he realises who's nudging him via Communion.]
[Byleth paused as he took his gloves off, realising the reason why they had felt so tight lately. He continued the Communion as he begun hunting down his nail filer.]
Which isn't anything... noteworthy- ah, found it. [Why was it in his bedside book? Oh, he was using it as a bookmark.] -sorry, I was looking for something. In any case, she acted oddly when I brought your name up. Did something happen between you two? I thought you were both friends.
[Ish. Friendly? Comrades? Whatever the term both parties wanted to use.]
[Claude freezes, caught off-guard by the question. Hayame has rarely been far from his thoughts since they were at the dying roots of the Tree, but he had stayed true to his word to give her space. She wasn't obligated to do anything for him, be anything to him, say anything to him. He had said his part, offered her something he thought she needed more than anything in that desperate moment, but she had fled, and that was that.
So why does it feel like his heart is being squeezed just being reminded of her? Maybe it's harder to keep an impartial distance from it all than he thought, even as busy as he's tried to keep himself these past few weeks. Maybe, deep down, he can't stop turning possibilities over in his head like why didn't I go after her? or, does she hate me, now?
Well, maybe Byleth's interaction with her can give him some idea about the latter question. He shoves down the ugly mess of feelings as best he can, before offering a reply.]
How did she act oddly? [And the next question, tumbling out before he can stop himself:] Is she... okay?
[During that suspicious pause where Claude was very clearly wrestling with something, even if Byleth was oblivious as to what, Byleth undid his greave, kicked off his boots, and made himself comfortable on his bed. With his pillows cushioning his back against the headrest, and Clauddles resting half on his lap, Byleth got to work taming the claws his fingernails had become. If he let them get any sharper he was going to start wrecking his gloves... ]
She seemed fine to me. There were no discernible injuries, and she was as impassive as ever.
[Byleth, calling someone else impassive.]
She admitted that she was in no mood to spar, however, implying an inability to hold back her strength. Likely due to frustration, but that's not surprising considering our recent loss. Nothing was amiss in our conversation as we discussed one of her weapons: the naginata - which was interesting, if you haven't seen it yet. But, when I raised the possibility of inviting you to our training, she seemed...
[And he can see where this is going already, so he decides not to skirt around the subject for a change, in the interests of keeping his stories straight.]
And not any more back home. I gave up any noble titles I had in Fódlan, after I entrusted it all to Teach. I figured it wasn't worth mentioning, but I guess she wanted to know, based on what she discussed with you?
No, I mentioned it in passing and she was stunned at the information, which I found confusing. You said you'd been in the Officer's Academy when you were taken to Horos. You were still a noble then... in Fódlan at least.
[For some reason, it just stuck out at Byleth the more he thought about it. It seemed like such a... specific thing to never bring up with someone he had known for 'a while' between two different worlds. It almost felt a little like a lie - one by omission but a lie nevertheless.]
You never thought to mention it to her? Not even once?
[He didn't think she'd care, is what he wants to say, but he's not giving her enough credit. They had become close allies, close enough that he would trust her with his Shard, but he still stumbled on all the things he'd kept close to his chest for so long.
Not any more, not for her, though it might be too late now.]
...I thought she might pour scorn on me if I mentioned it. I'm tired of people judging me for what I am instead of who I am.
I just want those from other worlds to treat me as myself, that's all.
[He always knows that. Hiding what he can now to make gains while he can, and then if he's discovered later, he will have gotten what he wanted from the transaction and moved on anyway...
At least, that's how he used to look at things. But he's not that fearful boy who first met Hayame in that cave, and he no longer sees people in checks and balances. Keeping secrets became a matter of convenience as much as habit, when he came to Kenos.]
I should have been more honest. I trust her with my life, you know? So hiding anything seems ridiculous in hindsight... It was wrong to keep things from her for so long.
[Even now he's being a hypocrite, though. All those same things could be said about Byleth.]
It was wrong of you. You said it yourself, you trust her with your life. She was your ally. Why did she have to hear the truth from me, a near stranger? Do you understand how disrespectful that is to her?
[Ah, Claude, you're being scolded. Byleth's disapproval is heavy through the Communion, but it eased up after a moment as he started on his middle finger.]
But... I think you get the point. Perhaps in time she'll forgive you for the deception. Have you tried to apologise to her yet?
[The scolding is like kicking a deflated balloon -- there's not much resistance left, so he just kind of mentally flops over and accepts the scolding. He knows that he messed up. He knows that Hayame is right to be angry. Even now, though, he's not telling Byleth the full truth.
Maybe... he should say as much, and avoid repeating the same mistakes before they happen again.]
Byleth, it's not just that she's angry at me for deceiving her. It's more complicated than that.
[Byleth refused to feel bad about the scolding. He's endured a few blistering scoldings from Jeralt in his lifetime, and as awful and dejected as it made you feel... it was necessary to correct a behaviour that needed correction.
If anything, it was Byleth's fault for not bringing attention to this the moment he identified it. But his own cowardice had held him back. In the Root Chamber, he had brooded over how even then, he found himself paralysed on challenging Claude in case it made this taste of friendship evaporate into nothing. Time to ruminate on it had him cringing in embarrassment.
Byleth had to do better as well.]
Oh? I assumed she confronted you and was angered when you confirmed the truth. Did something else happen?
[Claude's long since given up on getting ready to fly, so he sinks down onto the grass to sit, his wyvern laying down with him, perhaps sensing the change in her master's temperament even if she isn't privy to the communion. The companionship, at least, encourages him to keep going, so he gives Naira a pat on her scaled flank before he settles back against her and continues.]
Well... I went to Hayame at the roots, to check on how she was doing. I wanted to let her know that she wasn't alone, whatever happened to the Tree, even if... even if it was the end.
She didn't believe my intentions, of course, so she demanded my Shard to determine if I was telling the truth. I gave her it, and told her about how I felt, and about how much I respected and admired her, and that I wanted us to be friends. In response, she just kind of...
[Is this too much? He wonders if he should respect Hayame's privacy at this point, so he veers away from the detail about how she had broke down sobbing, had clung to him and sobbed her hearts out. How she had confessed to killing Liem for his betrayal. Still, Byleth will feel a powerful current of deep sadness that Claude had felt from Hayame, amplified by their circumstances back then, as if the emotion had been Claude's own.
In a way, it was, if only because it grieved him to see her suffering, that she had seemingly gone her entire life like this, and so even one small gesture of kindness was enough to shatter her completely. Thinking back on it, it was almost more than he could handle, too.]
...She's really suffered a lot. She's still suffering. I thought I could be someone who could ease her pain, even a little, but I think I just made things worse.
...I don't think you made it worse, as such. I think you overwhelmed her.
[Byleth recalled the understanding he and Hayame had shared, unspoken but felt through the Communion. She was much like him: brittle when it came to matters of the heart, seemingly frozen solid but ready to crumble at the gentlest touch. You could only forge forwards while leaving your emotions by the wayside, fleeing from them without looking back - to have them shoved into your face, with no escape, heart reeling from unexpected revelations...
If he'd been in Hayame's hooves, he might've just emotionally imploded on the spot.]
And... if she'd only just learned you were a noble, and that you'd withheld that information from her, but then suddenly began pouring your heart out to her and telling her how much she meant to you while she held your Shard... that's just confusing, Claude. I'd be confused. I'd have to rationalise it as you... you being mistaken, or driven to desperation by our bleak circumstances.
[It was the only way he could put it into words. No wonder Hayame had imitated a statue when he had brought up Claude. Likely she was still working through the tangled mess Claude's attempt at a heart-to-heart had wrought on her. He sort of sympathised with the feeling. Set had left him reeling several times in a way that made it feel like that man had somehow managed to punch his liver without even touching him.]
But... It's not like it came out of nowhere. I've helped her in the past, more than once, including when her life was in danger. I told her a lot about myself, even if it wasn't everything, and she held my Shard before, too.
Did she really just think I was doing it all as an ally, nothing more? That I didn't really care...?
[Even as he asks, it's more like a rhetorical question. He can already guess the answer.]
I accept that I made mistakes. If she doesn't talk to me ever again, I'll have to accept that, too. I want the best for her, and if I'm not the right person for her... that's the end of it.
[The right person for her...? Byleth felt a brief flutter of confusion at that specific wording, but didn't pursue it. He was already amazed that Claude had willingly told him all of this without brushing him off or changing the subject to something utterly unrelated. He did wonder at the change, but he just finished off his middle finger and moved onto his ring finger.]
I'm sorry that you may've potentially lost a friend, Claude. I hope you two are able to reconcile in the future, but that decision lies solely with Hayame. I'll ensure she remains in good health as she works things through.
[Since they've managed to build an okayish rapport??? They weren't friends, but he had bumped her up from 'obligatory ally' to 'ally', which was a big leap in his mind.]
Do you... want me to pass a message along? If she's not speaking to you currently, you likely haven't apologised or reached out to her, yes?
No... I tried to reach out to her. I know she saw my message, but she never responded, so I'm leaving her be. It's what she wants.
[Should he pass another message along? He considers it, but it feels far too soon, and it would risk Byleth getting caught even more in the middle of something he doesn't deserve to be pulled into. There's a mental equivalent of a headshake.]
As long as she's not in any immediate danger, that's all I need to know.
[Did Hayame even know how to read? She came across as your typical mercenary, except one that had drank the Faerghan juice. Finding one that could read competently was rare.]
Yeah, a written one. I don't think she likes regular Communion much. What about it?
[Even among commoners, literacy was becoming more common, as many of his classmates at the Officer's Academy proved. It simply hasn't occured to him that Hayame might not have such privileges.]
No. I'm assuming she's illiterate because she's like me.
[A warrior of roughly the same time period (she didn't seem so alien like other Shard-Bearers), and whom didn't seem the type to have gone to an Officer's Academy. In fact, considering what he felt when he told her of the Nabateans...]
Jeralt only taught me the very basics of reading, and the rest I taught myself. Most mercenaries only know the letters to spell their name, or to understand cardinals and numbers. It's thought unusual to find a fully literate mercenary. Normally they're disgraced knights or some such.
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leicesters) wrote2022-12-06 08:26 pm
Communion; gossip time
Claude, are you free? I want to talk to you.
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Hey, Byleth. I'm free now, yeah. What's up?
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[Byleth paused as he took his gloves off, realising the reason why they had felt so tight lately. He continued the Communion as he begun hunting down his nail filer.]
Which isn't anything... noteworthy- ah, found it. [Why was it in his bedside book? Oh, he was using it as a bookmark.] -sorry, I was looking for something. In any case, she acted oddly when I brought your name up. Did something happen between you two? I thought you were both friends.
[Ish. Friendly? Comrades? Whatever the term both parties wanted to use.]
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[Claude freezes, caught off-guard by the question. Hayame has rarely been far from his thoughts since they were at the dying roots of the Tree, but he had stayed true to his word to give her space. She wasn't obligated to do anything for him, be anything to him, say anything to him. He had said his part, offered her something he thought she needed more than anything in that desperate moment, but she had fled, and that was that.
So why does it feel like his heart is being squeezed just being reminded of her? Maybe it's harder to keep an impartial distance from it all than he thought, even as busy as he's tried to keep himself these past few weeks. Maybe, deep down, he can't stop turning possibilities over in his head like why didn't I go after her? or, does she hate me, now?
Well, maybe Byleth's interaction with her can give him some idea about the latter question. He shoves down the ugly mess of feelings as best he can, before offering a reply.]
How did she act oddly? [And the next question, tumbling out before he can stop himself:] Is she... okay?
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She seemed fine to me. There were no discernible injuries, and she was as impassive as ever.
[Byleth, calling someone else impassive.]
She admitted that she was in no mood to spar, however, implying an inability to hold back her strength. Likely due to frustration, but that's not surprising considering our recent loss. Nothing was amiss in our conversation as we discussed one of her weapons: the naginata - which was interesting, if you haven't seen it yet. But, when I raised the possibility of inviting you to our training, she seemed...
[Byleth fished for the proper word.]
...tense.
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She's... avoiding me right now. It's fine. [It's not fine.] I respect her decision, so I'm giving her space.
[Will Byleth accept that explanation? He hopes so. He's not prepared to lie to him, but he's not sure he'll ever be prepared to tell the full story.]
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[Byleth let the silence hang between them for a moment, before, seemingly, nudging the topic a fraction to the left.]
Hayame and I spoke about you in the Root Chamber. She was unaware that you were a noble.
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[And he can see where this is going already, so he decides not to skirt around the subject for a change, in the interests of keeping his stories straight.]
And not any more back home. I gave up any noble titles I had in Fódlan, after I entrusted it all to Teach. I figured it wasn't worth mentioning, but I guess she wanted to know, based on what she discussed with you?
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[For some reason, it just stuck out at Byleth the more he thought about it. It seemed like such a... specific thing to never bring up with someone he had known for 'a while' between two different worlds. It almost felt a little like a lie - one by omission but a lie nevertheless.]
You never thought to mention it to her? Not even once?
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[He didn't think she'd care, is what he wants to say, but he's not giving her enough credit. They had become close allies, close enough that he would trust her with his Shard, but he still stumbled on all the things he'd kept close to his chest for so long.
Not any more, not for her, though it might be too late now.]
...I thought she might pour scorn on me if I mentioned it. I'm tired of people judging me for what I am instead of who I am.
I just want those from other worlds to treat me as myself, that's all.
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[Byleth finished filing his index claw back into a fingernail and rubbed the pad of his thumb over the blunted edge.]
I understand, but... you realise that this might've damaged the trust she had in you. If you- [lied] -hid that from her, what else are you hiding?
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[He always knows that. Hiding what he can now to make gains while he can, and then if he's discovered later, he will have gotten what he wanted from the transaction and moved on anyway...
At least, that's how he used to look at things. But he's not that fearful boy who first met Hayame in that cave, and he no longer sees people in checks and balances. Keeping secrets became a matter of convenience as much as habit, when he came to Kenos.]
I should have been more honest. I trust her with my life, you know? So hiding anything seems ridiculous in hindsight... It was wrong to keep things from her for so long.
[Even now he's being a hypocrite, though. All those same things could be said about Byleth.]
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[Ah, Claude, you're being scolded. Byleth's disapproval is heavy through the Communion, but it eased up after a moment as he started on his middle finger.]
But... I think you get the point. Perhaps in time she'll forgive you for the deception. Have you tried to apologise to her yet?
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Maybe... he should say as much, and avoid repeating the same mistakes before they happen again.]
Byleth, it's not just that she's angry at me for deceiving her. It's more complicated than that.
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If anything, it was Byleth's fault for not bringing attention to this the moment he identified it. But his own cowardice had held him back. In the Root Chamber, he had brooded over how even then, he found himself paralysed on challenging Claude in case it made this taste of friendship evaporate into nothing. Time to ruminate on it had him cringing in embarrassment.
Byleth had to do better as well.]
Oh? I assumed she confronted you and was angered when you confirmed the truth. Did something else happen?
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Well... I went to Hayame at the roots, to check on how she was doing. I wanted to let her know that she wasn't alone, whatever happened to the Tree, even if... even if it was the end.
She didn't believe my intentions, of course, so she demanded my Shard to determine if I was telling the truth. I gave her it, and told her about how I felt, and about how much I respected and admired her, and that I wanted us to be friends. In response, she just kind of...
[Is this too much? He wonders if he should respect Hayame's privacy at this point, so he veers away from the detail about how she had broke down sobbing, had clung to him and sobbed her hearts out. How she had confessed to killing Liem for his betrayal. Still, Byleth will feel a powerful current of deep sadness that Claude had felt from Hayame, amplified by their circumstances back then, as if the emotion had been Claude's own.
In a way, it was, if only because it grieved him to see her suffering, that she had seemingly gone her entire life like this, and so even one small gesture of kindness was enough to shatter her completely. Thinking back on it, it was almost more than he could handle, too.]
...She's really suffered a lot. She's still suffering. I thought I could be someone who could ease her pain, even a little, but I think I just made things worse.
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[Byleth recalled the understanding he and Hayame had shared, unspoken but felt through the Communion. She was much like him: brittle when it came to matters of the heart, seemingly frozen solid but ready to crumble at the gentlest touch. You could only forge forwards while leaving your emotions by the wayside, fleeing from them without looking back - to have them shoved into your face, with no escape, heart reeling from unexpected revelations...
If he'd been in Hayame's hooves, he might've just emotionally imploded on the spot.]
And... if she'd only just learned you were a noble, and that you'd withheld that information from her, but then suddenly began pouring your heart out to her and telling her how much she meant to you while she held your Shard... that's just confusing, Claude. I'd be confused. I'd have to rationalise it as you... you being mistaken, or driven to desperation by our bleak circumstances.
[It was the only way he could put it into words. No wonder Hayame had imitated a statue when he had brought up Claude. Likely she was still working through the tangled mess Claude's attempt at a heart-to-heart had wrought on her. He sort of sympathised with the feeling. Set had left him reeling several times in a way that made it feel like that man had somehow managed to punch his liver without even touching him.]
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Did she really just think I was doing it all as an ally, nothing more? That I didn't really care...?
[Even as he asks, it's more like a rhetorical question. He can already guess the answer.]
I accept that I made mistakes. If she doesn't talk to me ever again, I'll have to accept that, too. I want the best for her, and if I'm not the right person for her... that's the end of it.
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I'm sorry that you may've potentially lost a friend, Claude. I hope you two are able to reconcile in the future, but that decision lies solely with Hayame. I'll ensure she remains in good health as she works things through.
[Since they've managed to build an okayish rapport??? They weren't friends, but he had bumped her up from 'obligatory ally' to 'ally', which was a big leap in his mind.]
Do you... want me to pass a message along? If she's not speaking to you currently, you likely haven't apologised or reached out to her, yes?
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[Should he pass another message along? He considers it, but it feels far too soon, and it would risk Byleth getting caught even more in the middle of something he doesn't deserve to be pulled into. There's a mental equivalent of a headshake.]
As long as she's not in any immediate danger, that's all I need to know.
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[Did Hayame even know how to read? She came across as your typical mercenary, except one that had drank the Faerghan juice. Finding one that could read competently was rare.]
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[Even among commoners, literacy was becoming more common, as many of his classmates at the Officer's Academy proved. It simply hasn't occured to him that Hayame might not have such privileges.]
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[but she did literally live in a stable, so... hm]
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[A warrior of roughly the same time period (she didn't seem so alien like other Shard-Bearers), and whom didn't seem the type to have gone to an Officer's Academy. In fact, considering what he felt when he told her of the Nabateans...]
Jeralt only taught me the very basics of reading, and the rest I taught myself. Most mercenaries only know the letters to spell their name, or to understand cardinals and numbers. It's thought unusual to find a fully literate mercenary. Normally they're disgraced knights or some such.
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